A Wall or A Door?

Is self-acceptance a wall or a door?  Is it an end or a beginning?  I ask the questions because of a subtle mindset that lurks on the peripheral of this journey into self-acceptance: This is how God wired me so there is no need to look at traits that trip me up, attitudes that are at odds with the God I worship, behavior that stresses my relationship with others.

Indeed, my ‘wiring’ is a God-thing; but how I live within that ‘wiring’ is a ‘me’-thing.  Putting the total responsibility on God just doesn’t sit right. Oh, I like the comfortable posture that says: “It’s God’s fault; blame Him.”; but I’m uncomfortable with its outcome: it prohibits change.  And change is often what is needed.  When self-acceptance means I don’t need to change, then it has become a wall, an end.  I don’t like that because I don’t like having nowhere to go.

However, I am finding that self-acceptance is a door that leads me to greater self-awareness and to faith, both necessary if I am going to change.

The self-awareness sort of surprised me because I somewhat expected that self-acceptance would just end my struggle with self and send me on my way rejoicing.  Instead, I still struggle with who I am:  my defenses and insecurities, my self-righteousness and judgmentalism, my contradictions and inconsistencies. Sins of the soul and spirit. A ‘me’ I would love to change, have tried hard to change but am unable to change.

I grapple with this impasse – but so did the apostle Paul.  He, too, agonized over the discrepancy between intention and actuality.  His testimony totally nails my conflict and its cause.  He says my problem is sin.  Not acts of sin, but a sin nature that is ‘me’.  He says I’m a sinner.

I understand sinful acts; but this is a whole new level.  This is not about a sinner who needs to be saved but about a saved saint who is a sinner by virtue of his/her inner nature!  It flies in the face of  godless world views. It cuts across the false philosophies we buy into so easily.  It hits a raw nerve. It hits ‘me’ – who I am not just what I do.  I am a sinner through and through; that’s the truth I must (and do) accept.

In the acceptance, I’m finding that this truth liberates me from self-striving and opens a door into a room called grace.  How I’d love to talk about that, but that’s a journey for another day.  See you in the next blog post!

Tell me something about your own journey into self-discovery and what you’ve learned there.  Leave a comment at the bottom by clicking on “Add your voice to…”

Marcia